To hell with it.
How many times have I been here? At this moment in time I'm giving serious consideration to just giving up poker for good. Let me explain.
After my last post I built up my PKR roll to $1700 at peak, a nice sum of money by any standards, mine especially. At this stage I was even sticking mainly to $100NL. However if I have a losing session, something happens to me and I just move up levels. This I did last weekend, I went down to about $200 at worst, then back up to $1400, phew I thought. Later though it all went, I even played some $5/$10. So later in the week I deposit $500, start again. Friday night just gone I sat in a $1/$2 room at 20:30, by half past midnight my stack read $1,231 and I left the room. Over $1000 made in 4 hours at $1/$2, I impressed myself. I then withdrew the $500 and got the rest up to about $1070 at peak, back in the game.
Last night however I didn't listen to the voice inside my head and play $5/$10 again, it's not long before it's gone. I reach for the deposit page and try to deposit $800 but I can't as I have weekly deposit limits set up. So $500 is all I was allowed. I sit back in, get down to about $390. Then clearly on tilt I call a $40 raise in position with J3s. Three of us to the J high flop with two spades, perfect. It's checked to me and I decide to shove, then the first to check moves all in and has the pre flop raiser covered, he folds. I know what he has with this play, I know 100% what he has and I'm not happy about it, the nut flush draw, sure enough he shows A8s. No spade no ace I think, as you do. Instant service on the turn as the spade drops and my flush is no good to his, an ace on the river just to rub it in that if he has missed the flush, he still beats me. I can't deposit any more and I'm done for the night.
Today then I try and deposit more but I have a $1000 weekly deposit limit, I try and change this but you need 3 forms of documentation and it takes 2 days anyway, fuck that. So I avoid playing all day and decide to register for the Sunday Warm Up on Stars. It's only the equivalent of £130, who cares right?! I'm out within 15 minutes when I slow play KK and lose to a flopped set of 3's. I couldn't get away from the hand, maybe I'm not good enough?
So, a bit later, I decide to give myself a roll on Interpoker simply because of rakeback (oh yeah I lost the £150 or so I had in here earlier in the week). I play heads up for a bit, win a bit, then move on to £50NL 5-max. I win a bit then lose a bit, and in the end I just think, fuck it. I left the rooms and withdrew £516, I cashed a win of £16!!! I was not having any fun whilst playing, and the thought of losing it just depressed me further. I felt like my soul was being consumed by poker, respect to anyone who does this shit for a living, it's just too sick.
So, as the blog title suggests, I'm getting the slightest feeling of déjà vu here. How many times have I been here before? Am I just a really bad player? I just don't know anymore, I think I'm probably average at best but I seem incapable of banking a win. Every time I win I am reluctant to withdraw, wanting to build my roll more and more, getting greedy and wanting more money. Maybe that's my downfall. The prospect of another boring week at work for shit money is not particularly great, I feel poker is my only means of escape, the only way I'm ever gonna have money, but it hasn't happened yet, am I just kidding myself? Probably. I have A levels and a degree in English but I spend my days weeding and cutting the heads of dead roses with people who left school at 16. I don't mean to sound like a snob but is this really all there is for me? Why did I bother with education if this is where it has got me? My sister has moved out to Sydney and I want to go and visit her, but flights are so expensive I just can't afford it. Am I destined to live this mundane existence with drink and weed being the only escape?
Ha, listen to me rattling on like a moron, whatever I just needed to say how I felt, I love this sick game, but maybe I have to finally accept that I will never be a winning player. This could well be my last post in a while, good luck to all those out there who play this insane game, and I wish myself luck in whatever it is I decide to do, God knows I'll need it.
4 comments:
Come on mate, youdon't only have a choice between poker and gardening, like you said you have a good degree, you need to go out there and start looking for a job! Get your CV on Monster, they must have some options for you.
Yes you probably should accept that you will never make money from poker so that you can start playing for fun or not at all. Sorry to be harsh but mate you need to sort this out, like you say it's not the first time. Good luck buddy x
I don't think this means you're a bad player. It DOES mean you stink a bit at BR management and tilt control. Please don't keep throwing money at it, that is, unless you've got money to burn - and if thats the case then I'll give my my bank details and you can shove the money straight in.
If I were you I'd try and have a little break from it. Phrases like: 'I felt like my soul was being consumed by poker' do not signpost a great session at the felts.
lol thanks for the comments. Rosie you're right, I tilt like crazy and have no BRM at all. But I'm addicted, and no I certainly do not have money to burn, which makes it all the more annoying.
I have only played once since this post, I used points to buy into the $17K on PKR on Tuesday night, made the final table but busted 10th running queens into aces as short stack. Good for $255 which was all profit though and guess what I withdrew the lot! The $4.2K for first was looking particularly alluring though, at least I recouped some damage.
I like the nice honest blog entry.. seems like you know what your problem is. poker isn't (or is very unlikely) going to be the answer to all your problems and questions to what you want to do, and I think once you know that it might be easier to actually plan what you want to do. When you win a $1000 in such a short space of time, its easy to think you could do it to make a living, but if you keep playing with out being bank roll managed the inevitalbe will always happen. Seems like a good idea to do this BR challenge or yours, nice one mate.
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